Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
