broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
