Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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