Even the bartender felt bad for me
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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