Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
