I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
