I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
