Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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