yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Randomize
