I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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