I'm laying in your front yard are you home
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
