i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
