I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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