you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
