i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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