I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
