Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Randomize
