It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
