i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize