I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
