You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
