Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
