You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Randomize
