I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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