This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
