I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
