my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
