if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
