ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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