i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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