I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
