hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
