there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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