Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
