dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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