You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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