Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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