peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
