I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
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