Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
