I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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