I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
