How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
