we're chasing vodka with high fives
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
