he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
