he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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