i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
