I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize