don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
