OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize