We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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