I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
