Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
