Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize