True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
not ubering you a puppy
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
