just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
