Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
