I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
