Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Randomize
