I cannot find my penis.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
