the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize