I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Randomize
