His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
