Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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