I've blown a few things in my day
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
